


this meandering road of ours

by Directionless_Foray



Series: and you’ll come back to me (not swallowed in the sea) [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crack, M/M, asuma is 34, but not really because I'm too self indulgent to properly write angst, for the sake of my sanity i've decided shikamaru is 19 at the start of this fic, salty language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-09 16:44:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13485618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Directionless_Foray/pseuds/Directionless_Foray
Summary: They're going to be okay (and the journey there).





	1. The road there (and back again)

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a labour of love for me, I found my way back into Naruto and was struck by how this ship could (in such a messed up but beautiful way) WORK. I sincerely hope you enjoy this mess of words and angst. 
> 
> Think of this as a loose series of chronological snapshots.
> 
> (Unbeta-ed, as will become abundantly clear, oh lord).
> 
> I stress, as in the tags, Shikamaru is 19 at the beginning of the fic, Asuma is 34-ish.

**1.**

"Congratulations," Asuma murmurs around a cigarette. Shikamaru stubbornly avoids meeting his eyes.

 

The soft plumes of smoke waft skyward.

 

Asuma gestures to Shikamaru's new vest with his cigarette, it's fresh, _new_ , Shikamaru doesn't look very comfortable in it yet- then and again it took Asuma a while until he was fully comfortable in his vest as well, in what the vest represented, expected and entrusted. "Looks good on you," he offers amiably.

 

Shikamaru narrows his eyes. Asuma winces internally, _fuck_ , he just can't get it right with Shikamaru these days. "Thanks, _sensei_ ," he mutters, honorific dripping with venom.

 

Asuma scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, "Shikamaru-"

 

Shikamaru pushes himself off of the wall, "yeah yeah…" he cuts Asuma off. "I'm just kidding, don't worry about it," he shakes his head and squints at the setting sun.

 

The shadows Shikamaru's sharp cheekbones cast onto his angular face make him look intolerably alluring.

 

Shikamaru stretches out his arms out and smiles wryly. Asuma is struck by the thought that a smile has no right to look so _sad_.

 

 

**2.**

Shikamaru is bleeding and leaning heavily against a tree, "fuck, fuck, fuck," expletives and laboured breaths shooting out of his mouth in a steady torrent. 

 

Asuma staggers over and places a shaking hand on Shikamaru's right shoulder. "Kid, you okay? The medic-nin and relief team are on their way, just fucking keep it together until then, can you do that?" Asuma is too tired to try keeping the desperation out of his voice. 

 

Shikamaru leans his head back against the tree, "not… a _kid_ ," he heaves, avoiding Asuma's questions.

 

The fucking _brat_.

 

Asuma almost grins as he rests his head on Shikamaru's other shoulder, "you fucking brat," he breathes out. Shikamaru brings a tentative hand up to slowly run his fingers through the shorter hairs at the nape of Asuma's neck. The comforting, repetitive motions immediately calm Asuma, he breathes out slowly against Shikamaru's vest. He inhales the three scents that inexplicably cling to all Shinobi of Konoha: the faint scent of dried blood, stale sweat, and leaves.

 

Shikamaru closes his eyes for a few seconds that he knows he can't afford, "fuck."

 

Asuma is inclined to agree.

 

Now they wait.

 

 

**3.**

Asuma stares at Shikamaru from across the other side of the room. The shogi board and pieces lie discarded, scattered across the floor. Shikamaru is breathing heavily and his lips are kiss-swollen, Asuma fights valiantly against the spike of arousal.

 

Shikamaru narrows his eyes, his shoulders are tense and his breathing is short and sharp. He looks ready for a fight, _defensive_. Asuma realises that's probably almost entirely his fault. Fuck, he's such a shitty sensei. Their every encounter of late seems to put him on edge and _defensive_.

 

He stands up and, for the first time that day, makes the decision to be, _or least try to be_ , a **good sensei.**

 

"I'm sorry," he says lowly as he backs away from Shikamaru. "I'm so fucking sorry."Shikamaru is wearing a pained expression, and it's all Asuma's fault. "This is my fault."

 

Asuma doesn’t think he'll be able to walk away if this happens again.

 

(He won't. He knows he won't.)

 

Shikamaru's clenched hands tremble as Asuma all but flies from the room.

 

 

**4.**

Asuma is in the middle of explaining exactly why Genma's animated defence of the new agricultural and defence budget is complete bullshit. Even Anko is listening amusedly and leaning over the table to chime in every now and again with her unhelpful, vaguely anarchistic suggestions.

 

Kurenai's right brow has been arched for the entire heated discussion, she's wisely drinking her tea and Definitely Not Engaging.

 

Asuma is almost certain Kurenai is in possession of some strong views on the backroom politics of budget allocations. He's never gotten her to bite though which is a crying shame. Her continued, and deliberate, diplomatic silence during these discussions is a persistent thorn in his side.

 

Asuma grins wolfishly at her and she rolls her eyes, gracefully though. Always with grace.

 

The chattering doesn't so much as falter as a messenger bursts through the doors of the shinobi bar and comes to an abrupt stop at their table. "Urgent message for Sarutobi Asuma," Asuma is up and out of his chair in an instant. His mind supplies the quick calculation that the message has to be about his team. There's no other plausible reason why the Hokage would send a messenger into a shinobi bar at 11:45 at night and ask specifically for him. 

 

Shikamaru, Ino and Choji aren't due back from a routine observatory recon mission for four days, it's a C-rank and he suffered through an entire afternoon of whining over "how boring this is going to be _Sensei_! Is there really _nothing_ you can do to get us reassigned?"

 

For them to be back so soon and with a stone-faced messenger sent directly to collect Asuma… _fuck_. Whatever it is, it's _not good._

 

"Are they okay," he asks sharply without preamble.

 

The messenger doesn't so much as flinch at Asuma's tone. "Sarutobi-sama, you've been requested at the hospital." _Fuck_.

 

Asuma is out the door almost immediately, messenger hot at his heels, unperturbed.

 

-

 

Ino and Choji are bandaged and _so quiet_. _It's just so wrong._

 

Choji is asleep, but pain is evident in the furrow of his brow, mirrored in his father's concerned expression, it makes Asuma's chest ache and his jaw clench. It's ridiculous, their officially and legally Not His Team anymore but fuck it _, they're his team._

 

Ino offers him a watery smile as he fusses over her bandages. There's a large bruise on Choji's forehead and Asuma's hand shakes when it hovers over the giant purple-grey splotch.

 

Inoichi sits stiffly next to Ino's bed, resigned and furious in his own lethally restrained way. Inoichi nods at Asuma when Ino is distracted by Sakura flinging first the door to the room open, and then her arms around Ino's unscathed neck.

 

Asuma follows Inoichi out silently. Shikamaru and Shikaku's absences are glaring. Inoichi sighs, and clears his throat, Choza averts his gaze, "Shikamaru is… he's…he's physically… _fine_ but-"

 

Asuma breathes through his nose loudly, jaw clenched tight.

 

Inoichi's expression softens marginally, "room 207," he offers instead.

 

Asuma nods his thanks and is gone.

 

-

 

Shikamaru is sitting up in his bed, shadows under his eyes dark and sunken in, his arms wrapped around himself.

 

Shikaku lifts his head when Asuma raps his knuckles twice on the door. His eyes flicker in understanding despite the grim line of his lips. He pushes himself out of the chair and gives Shikamaru's shoulder a gentle squeeze and murmurs something to Shikamaru Asuma doesn't catch before quietly leaving the room.

 

Asuma doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what he _can_ say. From what he can see of his unscathed skin and lack of bandages, Shikamaru _is_ fine physically, as Inoichi had carefully said, but- but the tense set of his shoulders and the cold, vacant gaze, not to mention the way he's clutching his sides, as if he's trying to hold himself together through sheer force of will, is worrying too say the very least.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Asuma finds himself next to Shikamaru's bed in two long strides. He sits down on the bed, gathers Shikamaru into his arms and guides his head to his shoulder. Shikamaru is tense and Asuma fears he made, yet another, poor decision. Before he can regret this Shikamaru is shaking and sobbing into his shoulder, giant chest wracking heaves that tear at Asuma's chest and make him feel cold and hollow as well.

 

 

**5.**

Asuma reads the mission report later. The Hokage calls him into her office and levels him with a hard look and insists he read the report right there in her office. 

 

It was an ambush. A calculated ambush. A message to the leaf.

 

Ino and Choji, endured torture intended to send them insane with pain and render them immobile while being attacked and coldly, callously dismantled.

 

Asuma understands then why they were so silent in the hospital, that kind of mind-numbing pain, pain designed to send you insane and begging for death. That shit _messes_ with you, makes you feel _untethered_.

 

And Shikamaru- Shikamaru. Shikamaru whose intelligence, brilliance, and noble leadership made him the perfect guinea pig in this sick game, forced to watch as his two teammates and closest friends were tortured until he understandably cracked and gave up the information they'd been sent to recover. Thinking he had salvaged the situation, at least for the sake of his teammates, only to be informed that this was a premeditated attack on the Konoha, the mission a bait. Then Ino and Choji would be killed, discarded, and Shikamaru, unscathed physically, sent on his merry way back to Konoha to tell the harrowing tale and live in a dark shadow of guilt for the rest of his life. 

 

Killing the leaf by poisoning the tree, ruining the young sprout and thus the forest. Snuffing out the will of fire in the cruellest of ways.

 

The paper crumples in Asuma's hand. His face grows hot as he fights the furious tears.

 

Tsunade nods sympathetically, "we were lucky we had shinobi stationed undercover in the village they checked in at, they smelled a rat and investigated." Tsunade's lip press into a thin line, "Asuma, it's clear we're fighting enemies we had naively thought were long vanquished, and in order to defeat them, in order to prevent this from happening to your team- to anyone ever again, I need all my shinobi at their fighting best." The glare she levels him with is so sharp Asuma unconsciously palms his weapons pouch, " _so get your shit together, stop snapping at everyone, stop blaming yourself, and for god's sake visit your team_ , they're going to develop some sort of _complex_ if you keep avoiding them after an admittedly atrocious failed mission."

 

Asuma just stands there gobsmacked and nods stiffly, "yes Godaime-sama."

 

Tsunade laughs tiredly with her head in her hands. 

 

 

**6.**

Shikamaru is sprawled on Asuma's couch. Hair and clothes in delicious disarray and eyes managing to convey lazy satisfaction. He looks every inch the cat that got the cream and Asuma _loves_ it. _Loves_ that _he's_ the reason Shikamaru is wearing that expression (along with close to nothing else). _Loves_ that _he's_ the reason Shikamaru is grinning mindlessly up at the ceiling, shoulders relaxed and supple skin slick with sweat _. Loves_ that this is Shikamaru's first evening staying overnight at Asuma's and Shikamaru _already_ looks at home (Asuma is already unwilling to entertain the idea of Shikamaru looking so _tantalisingly_ at home _anywhere else from now on_ ).

 

Asuma presses a kiss, first to Shikamaru's cheek and then his neck, that has absolutely no business being so soft and affectionate given the vigorous athleticism of their earlier activities. Shikamaru pretends to look put-upon but he bares more of his neck with a low, satisfied hum which is very telling.

 

(Oh he's going to be the death of Asuma).

 

 

**7.**

"Kakashi, I- Shikamaru- fuck"

 

"Isn't that what you've been doing?" Kakashi asks delicately and Asuma curses.

 

"I'm serious about him, about this."

 

"I should hope so," Kakashi rolls his eyes, "Shikaku would have had you killed in your sleep if you weren't," he drawls. Asuma sighs again but he does have to concede the point.

 

Anko's head pops into the room and cheerfully asks, "who's Shikaku having killed in their sleep?"

 

Kakashi returns her cheerful smile with one of his own, "Asuma, for sleeping with his only son," the _duh_ implied by his tone.

 

"Oh _yeah_ ," Anko rolls her eyes, "I thought there was something new."

 

Asuma sputters, _"_ What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Anko?"

 

Hayate appears over her shoulder and nods, "yeah, Asuma, hate to break it to you but pretty much everyone is aware of that by now," he shrugs.

 

Kurenai floats into the room, evidently having heard the topic of conversation, she smiles sympathetically and settles an elegant hand on his shoulder, "for a while now too," she adds apologetically.

 

Kakashi leans back against the wall whilst Asuma considers banging his head against it. Kakashi cocks his head, "there are two possibilities here," he waggles an index finger in Asuma's face, "one: the fact that you haven't been murdered or poisoned yet could suggest our distinguished commander is okay with this, or-," a second finger comes up as his uncovered eye lazily traces Asuma's wary expression, "two: he's biding his time and you should change your locks and start foregoing sleep altogether if you intend to stand a chance.'

 

The room erupts in laughter and Asuma considers getting new friends before realising that would be futile. It would take too long and he's not certain they wouldn’t laugh anyway. 

 

 

**8.**

Asuma has never experienced such warranted fear than being greeted with the prospect of meeting Shikamaru's parents as Shikamaru's _boyfriend_.

 

Yoshino's smile is deceptively warm as she keeps refilling his cup with fragrant, steaming tea. She keeps asking friendly, only vaguely invasive, questions. However, beneath the warmth he knows there lies a cold resolve should he say something she disapproves of.

 

Shikaku is quiet for most of the evening. No wry comments, no friendly smiles, _nothing,_ barring a very, _very, hand crushingly,_ firm handshake and the stress-inducing gaze of one of- if not _the_ \- smartest man in Konoha.

 

-

 

After dinner Shikaku cocks his head, an invitation for Asuma to join him outside as Yoshino and Shikamaru wash dishes. Shikamaru notices and arches a brow questioningly, _need backup?_ Asuma offers him a smile in response, _he can handle this_ (he hopes so at least, but given Shikaku's reputation, his continued survival is probably anyone's bet). 

 

Shikaku closes the screen door, leans against it and sighs, motioning for Asuma to light up if he wants with a nod. Asuma does so gratefully and expects a few more moments of uncomfortable silence. 

 

"I mean I knew he was going to start dating, start being the adult- the _shinobi_ \- I knew he would be, and as a young shinobi- an accomplished chūnin, I understand there are certain things he's bound to do," Shikaku says abruptly. Asuma nods tentatively, inhaling a few tendrils of smoke.

 

Shikaku's tone is dry, "I didn't anticipate he would jump straight to sleeping with a jōnin superior _that soon_ though," Asuma chokes on the smoke and coughs loudly. Shikaku smirks, clearly enjoying his discomfort, then his expression grows cold and hard. Asuma remembers that he's dealing the Konoha's chief strategist and probably the most intelligent and calculating shinobi in Konoha.

 

Shikaku continues, "that being said, Shikamaru is my son, my only child, and to my knowledge this is his first serious, adult relationship," Asuma gulps, "this is hardly the," he chooses his next words carefully, "the _ideal_ situation, but, as long as you don't _hurt_ him I suppose there's not much I can do."

 

Asuma allows himself a steadying breath and prays for an eloquence he knows he does not possess, "Nara-sama, with all due respect, I care for Shikamaru very much, much more than I no doubt _should_. This is no fling, my feelings are genuine and I promise you I will protect him and respect him." Asuma respectfully lowers his gaze, "I will offer him love and support and understanding and if necessary, if he at any points wants to end this, I will let him go."  

 

Shikaku nods, Asuma continues with great care, "not to mention a brilliant mind like yours must have realised I would never do endeavour to go down this path unless I was absolutely serious- about Shikamaru, which I am…" Asuma trails off awkwardly.

 

Shikaku pinches the bridge of his nose and his lips press together. "I was hoping for and fearful of that. Equally." Shikaku leans against the wall and for a moment he looks as old and world-weary as all his wisdom would suggest. "In that case, I guess you can have my blessing, for what is worth," he shrugs smirking, _Shikamaru has an almost identical smirk_ Asuma notes absent-mindedly. Shikaku's expression is dark but his tone dry when he informs Asuma, "you're going to get a lot of people who don't understand, and don't care to try and understand, drawing their own conclusions," his gaze moves upwards towards the stars twinkling in the sky. "Be prepared for that," he says, matter of fact.

 

And that's that.

 

 

**9.**

Ino levels Asuma with a considering look and wrinkles her nose, "is this why you guys always snuck off to play shogi together?" Her eyes widen, "holy shit is _playing shogi_ a euphemism?"

 

Shikamaru flushes quite prettily if Asuma says so himself, "NO that is not a euphemism, Ino! We've only just started dating," he gets even redder if at all possible, "I mean, we only just got together- are together- fuck"

 

Asuma scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, "it's all pretty new," he offers instead.

 

Ino's eyes narrow, "you," she points to Shikamaru, "I have known about _this,_ you- your feeli _\- whatever,_ all along," Shikamaru is tomato red as Ino gestures in their general direction, Asuma muffles his snickers, _man, he is going to have to ask Shikamaru to explain_ ** _that_** _later_ , however Ino turns on him next, "but _you_ Sensei, when did this start?" she demands accusingly.

 

It's Asuma's turn to blush, "uh," he's hyperaware of Shikamaru deliberately avoiding eye-contact but no doubt primed to analyse exactly what Asuma says next. _Honesty is probably the best policy here_ , "there's been _something_ there for a little while, but it's only gotten marginally less inappropriate or perhaps marginally less deniable… recently… so…?" Ino narrows her eyes and even Choji manages to look unimpressed around a bag of chips.

 

"Fine," Asuma leans forward, "this may all be quite new but I am serious about this relationship and all I can hope is that Shikamaru's feelings for me are as serious as mine are for him."

 

Ino appears to have nothing to say in response to that. She still looks a little concerned but there's a warmth, a fond exasperation, there too and Asuma clings to that.

 

Choji, on the other hand, appears to be thinking deeply and Asuma is almost too aware he is being given a particularly hard stare. It melts into a warmth all of a sudden, "as long as you make each other happy and you treat Shikamaru right I guess I have no complaints," he beams.

 

Asuma lets out a relieved huff of laughter. Sometimes he forgets, Shikamaru and Choji have known each other for an incredibly long time, that they're incredibly close is no surprise. Choji _knows_ Shikamaru.

 

Ino releases an indignant huff, "I _suppose_ we all approve then," she declares with faux-haughtiness, Asuma's grins, that is before her expression becomes mischievous, "you may continue on with your _forbidden romance_ then."

 

Asuma sputters and Choji has to thump him on the back sympathetically (though he does use a touch more force than is perhaps necessary) while Shikamaru glares at her, "gee, _thanks_ ** _so_** _much_ Ino," voice positively dripping with sarcasm.

 

Ino just shrugs and waves a hand with exaggerated magnanimity, _you're absolutely welcome you dipshits_ , her indulgent smile seems to say. 

 

 

**10.**

Asuma and Iruka have always been close, unavoidable really, and Asuma is unbearably fond of the teacher. Fond and admiring of the man who embodies the very best of the village and nurtures that into the next generations as well. 

 

However, Asuma is completely caught off guard when Iruka accosts him outside the Hokage's office, drags him into a small office and slams an impressively tall stack of forms on the rickety table.

 

Iruka sunnily informs Asuma that these forms facilitate his personal relationship with a direct-but-indirect-subordinate-but- _officially_ -direct-if-we-get-into-the-nitty-gritty-you-know-how-it-goes and he should give them a read and sign them at his earliest convenience. Iruka's smile is pleasant, but there's an implied threat of violence there too. Asuma recalls that Iruka would have taught Shikamaru at some stage.

 

Asuma hastily promises to sign the forms.

 

Iruka nods approvingly and moves to leave. He stops at the door and turns around, "be good _to him_ and _for him_ please."

 

 

**11.**

Asuma doesn’t tell Shikamaru he loves him so much as he breathes the three words (so inconsequential when separated but somehow of staggering gravity of when strung together) into his shoulder blades in the otherworldly still of the early morning.

 

Cocooned in blankets and they're almost protected from the outside world in _this room_ , on _this bed_ , wrapped up in _each other_ and the soft glow of dawn.

 

Shikamaru turns his head and captures Asuma's lips in a searing kiss as their fingers tangle together.

 

Rather than returning the three words Shikamaru whispers four words to the same effect.

 

"Let's do this _forever_."

 

Asuma bundles Shikamaru in his arms and in that moment, that slice of time with just them in _that room_ and _that bed_ it's almost enough to assuage Asuma's guilt that Shikamaru deserves better, deserves more.

 

 

**12.**

It's good for a long time, hard at times, but always _good_ as well. _Enough_.

 

However _forever_ is a seven-letter promise that rolls off the tongue but is only rarely kept.

 

The pressures for the relationship to work ( _to endure_ ) are choking, after all, there are very real consequences should it fail. Not the most encouraging foundation for a fledgeling relationship.

 

Eventually, they snap.

 

They yell carefully selected words at each other that they had made sure never to even allude to. The walls come crashing down around them.

 

Asuma is stubborn and foolhardy and Shikamaru is a genius who knows what makes people tick, it was always going to be explosive. It was always going to hurt if it came to this.

 

_"Am I being manipulated Shikamaru? It's not like I would notice, would I? A thickheaded idiot like me!"_

 

_"Gosh, I never got the chance to ask, **sensei** , is that it, you like 'em young and when you get tired of them you discard them? Trade them for a fresher model? Did I crack your code?"_

_"Of course I feel fucking guilty, you're so **young** for fuck's sake Shikamaru, not to mention your dad is my commander and directly advises the Hokage, do you know how this looks for me?"_

_"Asuma do you ever shut up about everyone else, I guess it's not enough that I love you that I don't care about anyone else's bullshit. Why can't **that** be enough?"_

Asuma walks away again (and it _hurts_ , it _hurts so much more_ because this time around he got to find out what he was walking away _from_ and what they're both capable of _inflicting_ ).

 

 

**13.**

That whole _time heals everything_ spiel is bullshit.

 

Asuma knows this because it's been six months since he walked away and he's been watching Materu place a flirtatious hand on Shikamaru's thigh in the crowded bar for close to half an hour. Time doesn't do shit if the stabbing pain in his chest has anything to say.

 

"Perhaps we should find another bar," Kakashi murmurs as Asuma downs his drink in one pull. Genma purses his lips in agreement, also _judgement_. Rude really. 

 

" _He's_ free to- to do whatever it is he wants and I'm allowed to drink in whichever establishment I want," Asuma says slowly, not even bothering with names, gaze never leaving jōnin Materu with his teasing hand high up Shikamaru's thigh.

 

Shikamaru's expression is calmly amused. Asuma knows that expression. That expression means Shikamaru is not yet ready to engage in a situation, he just plans to sit back and see how this is going to play out. That expression is the only thing keeping Asuma from stalking over there and ripping that fucking hand from Shikamaru's thigh and flinging Materu into the nearest hard surface. That and the fact that Ino and Choji are both sat beside Shikamaru with matching unimpressed expressions.

 

Asuma sets his cup on the table with a loud clatter. "Maybe we should head somewhere else though," he compromises with a faint smile. Everyone looks relieved, no one wants to drink with an angry and jealous ninja after all. They don't often get nights off together and spending it brawling in a bar or apologising for damaging furniture would be… unfortunate. 

 

Their attention is suddenly captured with a commotion at the bar, Asuma's head whips around and clocks Materu sneering right up into Shikamaru's face as Ino squawks in outrage and Choji _growls_ , Asuma is unconsciously aware of his hands clenching into fists as Shikamaru slams Materu into the bar face first. Asuma's hands unclench and he's filled with an ugly smugness as Ino tugs Shikamaru away and Choji yanks Materu up only to fling him into a wall.

 

_That's his team._

 

Asuma's crouched down in front of Shikamaru in the blink of an eye, Ino's arm is still flung across Shikamaru's chest to forcibly prevent him from, most likely, gauging out Materu's eyes. Asuma pays her no heed, pays no attention to anyone but Shikamaru. Shikamaru who is breathing heavily, thrumming with fury, and sporting an expression of such violent rage but also violent vulnerability. Asuma brings his left hand up and presses the back of it to Shikamaru's cheek, slowly brushing his knuckles up and down the side of his face, eyes never leaving Shikamaru's. With each journey up and down his cheek Asuma feels Shikamaru's breathing even out.

 

Shikamaru stares back at him, eyes intense and his tongue darts out quickly to lick his lower lip. Asuma's gaze tracks the movement and he finds his own breathing grow heavy. Asuma reluctantly extracts himself from his position and backs away, he involuntarily licks his own lower lip and inclines his head at Ino and on his way out exchanges a tense nod with Choji too. They look out for each other, they always have and always will, at least he was able to teach them this.

 

Once he's out of the stifling heat and choking tension of the bar Asuma takes big gulping lungfuls of the cool night air in a desperate bid to sober up, in all aspects.

 

Kakashi leans against a street light in all his rakish charm, the soft light in the dark night making him look all the more enigmatic.

 

"Well…," Kakashi says into the awkward silence, "if Shikaku doesn't have you assassinated for dating and then breaking up with his only son, he's certainly going to have you killed in your sleep for that little post-breakup display over there," he smiles wanly, jabbing a thumb at the entrance to the bar.

 

"Actually, considering he's the jōnin-commander and has the ear of the Hokage he'll probably have you executed in broad daylight," Anko amends conversationally as she dusts off her coat. Kakashi and Genma incline their heads in solemn agreement.

 

Hayate at least has the decency awkwardly clap a hand on Asuma's shoulder, Asuma is grateful for it. That is until Hayate clears his throat and says, "we'll organise a tasteful funeral for you when that happens."

 

The fuckers. Kami he wishes Kurenai and Gai had come drinking with them.

 

 

**14.**

 

They meet in an inauspicious clearing.

 

Shikamaru raises his head to squint at the sun and when he looks back at Asuma he's smirking. He's smirking but the edges are soft and his shoulders are relaxed, Asuma's chest fills with warmth. With _hope._

 

Shikamaru takes a few steady steps towards Asuma, it's been two years since they parted ways, and it shows. Shikamaru is a breath taller, body leaner, eyes surer as they sweep shamelessly up and down Asuma's body, and those eyes now know what he wants, as opposed to when he just _wanted_ plain and simple.

 

He extends a hand lazily and cocks his head to the side, the likeness to a caricature of the arrogant genius is so uncanny that Asuma knows he's being teased. "Nara Shikamaru, chūnin, nice to meet you," he murmurs with a yawn rounding out the introduction, Asuma would be vaguely annoyed but there's a slight twitch of Shikamaru's lips which makes all the difference.

 

Asuma grins and grips the proffered hand. "Sarutobi Asuma, jōnin, the pleasure is all mine," he responds.

 

Shikamaru smiles down at the ground before tilting his chin up defiantly, "would you like to go on a tolerably pleasant first date that may-or-may-not-but-almost-definitely-will result in sex far too suspiciously good for a first date?" 

 

Asuma laughs loudly and openly, the fucking _brat_ , "with an offer like that how can I refuse?" he attempts an exaggerated leer that, of its own accord, morphs into a genuinely affectionate smile.

 

Shikamaru's expression is one so fond, so relieved, _so loving_ , and _so warm_ with both _affection_ and _affectionate exasperation_ , "good because it would have been troublesome had you refused."

 

 

**15.**

 

They're going to be okay.


	2. the other road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shikamaru's pov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Shikamaru's pov. Also a loose collection of snapshots, some corresponding with ones from chapter 1, others clearly not.

 

**1.**

Contrary to popular belief (and salacious rumour) Shikamaru did not spontaneously decide to commit a dozen ninja-protocol violations, along with another handful of social ones on top of that, the moment he clapped eyes on his jōnin sensei.

 

Asuma is a constant reassuring presence in Shikamaru's life until Shikamaru looks up at Asuma one day and comes to the startling realisation that _yes, you, I choose you every day, in every way_. 

 

He notices things like the how Asuma fights with a certain grace, all the jōnin do, but _Asuma._ Asuma fights with a certain grace that is unlike Gai's (born of awe-inspiring strength and speed), Kakashi's (an inherent lethalness that is intense yet seemingly effortless), and Kurenai's (calm and unassuming and thus all the more deadly). 

 

Asuma's grace is a howling creature of strength, stubborn resolve and sheer _presence._ It fascinates Shikamaru to no end and is stunning to witness. 

 

Shikamaru notices things.

 

He notices things like how Asuma always makes an effort to understand him, how he seems to think there's more to Shikamaru than meets the eye. He notices how Asuma can affect that mask of _laid-back, easy-going, nothing to see here_ without so much as blinking whilst still maintaining the steel, the _don't push me_ , that lives in his eyes regardless of which smile he wears.

 

Shikamaru notices a thousand things about Asuma and sometimes he feels like he barely knows the man.

 

(He wants to though. He wants to _know_ him.)

 

 

**2.**

Playing shogi is something Shikamaru has always enjoyed. It's a way to pleasantly pass time and keeps his mind running like the finely-tuned machine it is (the finely-tuned machine the village needs it to be) so Shikamaru can be the chūnin, and in time jōnin, everyone tells him he is (everyone needs him to be).  

 

Shikamaru _likes_ playing shogi.

 

Shikamaru _does no_ t like playing Shogi with Asuma, not anymore at least. _Does not_ like sitting across from the man and trying to anticipate his next move, interpret his facial expression, and disguise his own. He does enough of that via their day-to-day interactions.

 

Shikamaru does take some small pleasure in Asuma's discomfort though. Serves him right. "Asuma- _sensei_ ," he's recently taken to cloaking the honorific in condescension and Shikamaru honestly doesn't know why he didn't start sooner, "I had your number four moves ago," the corner of his lips twitch. 

 

Asuma is frowning and then smiles broadly before he schools it into something marginally less obvious. _The bastard is probably going to try and surprise him._ But Shikamaru is a Nara and a Nara plays everyone else's game five steps ahead even as they're setting up ground rules.

 

Just after Asuma makes his (foolish) move Shikamaru launches himself at the jōnin and presses him to the ground with a palm to his chest and his thighs around Asuma's sides. _Surprise attack my ass_. "Five moves ago now, _sensei._ "

 

Asuma's eyes widen and then darken as his hands falter and then come up to grip Shikamaru's hips _. Hard._

 

Shikamaru has been trying to play this particular _game_ a handful of steps ahead for a while now, and needless to say, he's thrilled to see his efforts coming to fruition.

 

 

**3.**

(He's wrong. It's a miscalculation that leaves shogi pieces scattered on the ground alongside pieces of _Shikamaru_ , his dignity, and his heart.)

 

(He promises he won't make the same mistake again.)

 

 

**4.**

Shikamaru holds his sides and prays that if he can hold on long enough, tight enough, he can hold himself together. Just like when he was younger and his mother would instruct him to pinch the bridge of his nose when it was bleeding. _Just like that except not like that at all as well._

 

Every time he closes his eyes he sees Ino and Choji screaming as they writhe on the ground in agony. A deadly voice purring, "and are you _comfortable_ Shikamaru-san."

 

_"Make sure you can see exactly what we're doing to your comrades Shikamaru-san, we'll need you to relay all of this to the Hokage."_

 

He remembers the exact moment he cracks and the promises to give them everything, _anything_ , they want. Just stop, _please stop_.

 

_"Are you finally ready to negotiate? You'll give us all the information? Why how generous of Shikamaru-san! Stop torturing the other two, I want to hear this."_

 

_"That's nice Shikamaru-san but I must admit, we weren't really here for that, you can keep hurting them and remember we're only two hours in so we have to start upping the ante."_

 

_"Don't even bother Shikamaru-san, we have to keep you in_ **_pristine_ ** _condition, just sit back and enjoy the view."_

 

He remembers his croaking voice begging to just _stop hurting them_ , _hurt him instead, please just_ ** _stop_** _._

 

_Her violet eyes were cruel when she smiled, "oh but Shikamaru-san doesn't it hurt_ **_more_ ** _just having to watch?" will haunt him for the rest of his life. "If you think about it this way, they weren't_ **_smart_ ** _enough to be spared, of course we were going to spare you, Shikamaru-san."_

 

He learns to hate the sound of his own name.

 

All he can hear is the simpering of _Shikamaru-san_ against the backdrop of his friends' screams. All he can see is their faces contorted in agony with tears streaming down their faces. All he can think of is the lilting _Shikamaru-san doesn't it hurt_ ** _more_** _just having to watch_.

 

And guilt. So much guilt. _They weren't_ ** _smart_** _enough to be spared, of course we were going to spare you, Shikamaru-san._

 

For the first time in his life Shikamaru does not feel safe inside his own head.

 

It doesn't even register when Asuma comes to relieve his father of his silent vigil.

 

Nothing registers. Everything is cold and empty and he can go round and round in that big, " ** _great_** _"_ , mind of his and it all comes down to _my fault, my fault, my fault._ He can't sleep, can't close his eyes, can't talk, but can't bear the silence, can't- just _can't_.

 

_My fault, my fault, my fault._

 

When Asuma gathers Shikamaru up in his arms it's jarring. It's familiar and warm and for a split second Shikamaru swears he almost feels _safe._ Almost.

 

( _Safe_ is a lie.)

 

(So is _smart_.)

 

 

**5.**

A week later, Choji and Ino creep into his room in the middle of the night. Shikamaru freezes. Waits for the anger, the hurt, the yelling, the crying, _he waits._

 

They just climb silently into his bed and curl up on either side of him. Shikamaru feels his eyes fill with tears. Ino nestles her head into his chest and Choji throws an arm around his middle.

 

"I'm so sorry," he chokes out when he can't bear the silence any longer.

 

The side of his shirt feels suspiciously damp, "are you kidding _idiot_ , you did everything you could, _I'm sorry we weren't strong enough,_ " Ino sobs into his side. Shikamaru bites on his fist to try and muffle his whimper.

 

Choji clamps a hand over his own eyes, the tears streaming down his round cheeks are illuminated by the moonlight, "It's all my fault, I should have- I'm so sorry I didn't do _anyth_ -"

 

No. Shikamaru cannot let either of them continue.

 

"Both of you stop," Shikamaru interjects hoarsely. He wraps his arms around them both and squeezes. He'll hold the three of them together through _sheer force of will_ even if it **_kills_** him. His voice is small and it shakes, "neither of you did anything wrong, but-but I'll humour you both," he swallows around the giant lump in his throat, "I'll forgive both of you for whatever imagined mistakes you made if you can f-forgive me for," he takes a shuddering breath and feels two hands squeezing his comfortingly, "if you can forgive me for how I failed you both."

 

Ino nudges his cheek with her damp nose, "… all is forgiven, both of- to me-," she sniffles, "to me you're there's nothing to forgive, but you're always and forever forgiven regardless."

 

Shikamaru lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

 

Choji stretches his arm so he can reach Ino as well, "always and forever," he says slowly.

 

Shikamaru falls asleep in the arms of his closest friends and drifts off to the thought that **_maybe_** _we'll be okay_.

 

Neither of them notices Asuma keeping watchful guard outside the hospital room window. His own tears track glittering cracks down his face.

 

 

**6.**

Shikamaru tilts his chin up defiantly, "if this is because of some sort of misplaced guilt then I'm honestly a little offended and disappointed in you," he says frankly.

 

Asuma laughs as he rubs the back of his neck, but he looks undeterred. "No you _menace_ , this is not out of guilt, and though you probably have plenty to be disappointed in me over _t_ _his_ is something that we have- or at least _I_ have been tiptoeing around this for a while, and I think I'm ready." He smiles apologetically, "I'm ready if you are and the offer is an open-ended one I guess, it's there for you," he shrugs aiming for nonchalance, _he fails_ Shikamaru notes fondly, "when you're ready to- to _decide_."

 

Shikamaru crosses his arms and arches a brow amused _,_ the rational part of him is, at least unconsciously, aware that he's probably _nowhere near ready,_ but also that he's _nowhere near selfless enough to say 'no'._

 

He closes his eyes momentarily and tries to listen to his brain. _You_ ** _fool_** _. This_ _will_ _end badly_ it tells him.

 

He takes three steps into Asuma's personal space, daring him to take back the offer. Testing the waters. Testing _him_. Testing to see how serious the man is.

 

Shikamaru leans in.

 

_You_ **_fool_ ** _._

 

Asuma doesn't move away.

 

_This_ _will_ _end badly_

 

 

**7.**

His mother corners him in the kitchen and takes a deep breath before launching into a terrifying screech, “NARA SHIKAMARU **WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU**? DATING A MAN ALMOST TWICE YOUR AGE AND YOUR SENSEI TO BOOT? ARE YOU **TRYING** TO BE AS SELF DESTRUCTIVE  AS POSSIBLE OR MAYBE YOU JUST WANT TO WORRY YOUR PARENTS AS MUCH AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE? IS THAT IT?” 

 

Shikamaru stubbornly meets her furious gaze, he knew she was going to have this reaction after all, “this matters to me mother, I'm serious about this,” he says evenly. He bites back the _you don't understand,_ he doesn't think she'd take that well and he wants to make his point not antagonise someone who loves him and has his best interests at heart.

 

She stops screeching at least, huffs a little and her voice is marginally more gentle and placating when she speaks again, “sometimes I forget how _young_ you really are Shikamaru. You’re smart and brilliant and I _love you_ but you’re **_young_** ,” _and he’s no_ t is implied and hangs heavily in the room.

 

“He’s 34, he's hardly on his deathbed,” Shikamaru says dryly. His mother raises a brow as if to say _really? That’s your chosen line of argument?_

 

“He’s older, more experienced than you, he outranks you and _was_ \- no, technically _is still_ your sensei,” her voices takes on a pleading edge, “Shikamaru even I can see that this could be a disaster, a catastrophe involving conflicts of interest, unhealthy power imbalances, and not to mention a team caught in the crossfire, and that's just off the top of my head.” She places a hand on Shikamaru's shoulder, "plus I don't even want to imagine how devastated you would be if this ended badly,"  _which it probably will_ is again implied.

 

Shikamaru's presses his lips together. Damn her. Nothing she said was technically wrong. "He wouldn’t do that to me,” he tries instead.

 

His mother looks weary, "it wouldn't have to be intentional.”

 

Shikamaru sighs, _okay then, change your approach_ , he pulls his shoulders back and meets his mother's troubled eyes, “then it looks like I’ll just have to learn this one the hard way then,” he declares.

 

She looks to be on the verge of tears, her lower lip trembles, “your father told me you’d say something like that.”

 

Shikamaru shrugs.

 

She tugs him into an unexpected hug and when she pulls away her lower lip is no longer trembling, “you’ll need to invite him over for dinner then,” she says business like. “If you don’t I’ll send your father to hunt him down.” 

 

Shikamaru crosses his arms, expression pensive. "Okay then." He's not going to read too much into her choice of words, he'll give her the benefit of the doubt today.

 

 

**8.**

Ino’s head is pillowed on Shikamaru's legs and Shikamaru can smell her fancy gardenia scented shampoo. She’s admiring her manicure when she says conversationally, “I know I’m no genius but I always expected you to grow out of your crush, not to actually scale the-mountain-named-sensei, you know?” 

 

Shikamaru's stiffens. “It's unsurprising then that the rest of your _predictions_ didn’t follow through given the initial assumption that it was just a crush was incorrect.” 

 

Ino's laugh is tinkling and honestly a little patronising if he’s being honest. Shikamaru is so _tired_ of people thinking he’s too young to think for himself, to _know himself_. She rolls off of his legs and rests her chin in her hands, elbows buried in daisies and overgrown grass, “ _wow_ Shika, if that’s your response to _my_ gentle teasing I’m a little worried about how you’re gonna deal with everyone else’s inevitable freak out.” Her tone is playful but her words are grave. Shikamaru sighs, he knows she’s right which is annoying.

 

He leans back, palms flat, and face tilted up to catch the last dregs of the afternoon sun's warmth. 

 

“That worry is probably justified,” he allows begrudgingly. “I mean it’s far more likely this will implode in our faces rather spectacularly, I guess.”

 

Ino's eyes narrow and she pushes Shikamaru's shoulder particularly hard, “I didn't mean you should start talking like _that_ you hopeless lump, If this matters to you then you have to _fight_ for it. _For_ it, to _protect_ it, and to _keep_ it.” She's flushing angrily, “Asuma-sensei deserves it and you deserve the same from him, _okay_?”

 

Kami he forgot Ino’s well-documented romantic streak.

 

She plucks an errant daisy and wrestles it into a pocket on his vest and beams at her handiwork. "So if you really are as serious as you say you are- fight for love, fight for your stupid-dumb-man," she informs him cheerfully.

 

Shikamaru covers his face with his hands but doesn't remove the small flower.

 

 

**9.**

Choji puts down his chopsticks mid lunch and stares at Shikamaru. 

 

People underestimate Chōji but he sees things, understands more than people expect. He understands _Shikamaru_ which is more than he can say for over half of the village.

 

“So this is actually happening then,” he rumbles thoughtfully.

 

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

 

"If this ends badly I don't think either of you will be able to properly recover," Choji says.

 

Shikamaru winces, "yeah, you're probably right there." Choji's expression is purely that of _you think?_

 

Choji picks up his chopsticks again and inspects the selection of meats on the grill, "but this could also make both of you happier than you've both been in a long time," he casually adds as he deliberates between two pieces. Shikamaru realises Choji is giving him the opportunity to properly think about what he's saying. He smiles at that.

 

Shikamaru leans back and stares at the table, at the pattern of the woodgrain, "I hear what you're saying, this could end so badly with repercussions that have the potential of being as painful as they are uncomfortable and inconvenient," he lets out a long breath, "but you're also right that- I think there's a small chance that this could- this could be something _really good_."

 

Choji swallows and chuckles, "ninja just can't resist the challenge of unfavourable odds can they?" His tone is uncharacteristically wry. "This isn't like you though, Shika," he spears a slice of meat and chews it pensively.

 

"You can only regret an outcome in retrospect and I guess I'm just going to see this one through for better or worse," Shikamaru reasons. "The alternative hasn't been serving either of us well enough to be a credible option either." He selects his own slice of meat, "plus we probably jumped the gun with no reset button to fall back on anyway," he shrugs before he pops it into his mouth. 

 

Choji shakes his head but doesn't chastise Shikamaru for being stupid. It's a small, but appreciated, act of kindness from a good friend.  

 

 

**10.**

Shikamaru begins to notice he's running into a number of Konoha's jōnin elite with startling regularity. He'd be a lot more annoyed if it weren't for the amusing fact that they're tragically bad at this- acting like normal human beings, that is.

 

He runs into Kakashi in the dairy aisle at the grocery store three times in one week and each time the only items tucked innocently in Kakashi's basket are a tub of yoghurt and a block of cheese. Shikamaru is positive no one eats three blocks of cheese and three tubs of yoghurt a week.

 

Shiranui has also been at Shikamaru's favourite dango stall the last three times he’s swung by. Shikamaru had discreetly asked around and according to his numerous sources the jōnin doesn’t particularly like the dessert.

 

Anko is the worst, or the best depending on perspective. She openly follows him around town and makes no effort to pretend she’s not _clearly tailing him_ as he runs errands and between tasks. Sometimes she'll cheerfully wave at him or insert herself into his conversations. The lack of deception is actually kind of refreshing.

 

… Especially when viewed in light of Gai’s increasingly elaborate excuses to “drop in on one of Konoha's finest shinobi!” and then proceed to ask incredibly invasive questions (Shikamaru kicks him out after he enquires as to how Shikamaru is "stoking the fire of youthful passion?"). Shikamaru feels suspiciously like he's being vetted by a pack of overenthusiastic children rather than deadly ninja.    

 

It would appear that Kurenai hasn’t tried anything yet but that only serves to make Shikamaru more paranoid and he’s taken to peering over his shoulder and glaring at suspicious looking shrubbery. He doesn't need anyone to tell him it's not a good look.

 

Eventually he has to tell Asuma that his friends need to stop or, alternatively, try and be a bit more subtle.

 

Asuma's embarrassment is, as always, a _joy_.

 

 

**11.**

Shikamaru stares down the loose collection of some of Konoha’s most deadly ninja. He arches a brow, “surely you’re all far too smart to attempt to interrogate _me_ ," he's careful to make eye contact with everyone in the room, "you _must_ have realised I’d be far less forthcoming with personal information than Asuma.”

 

He leans back in his chair, folds his hands behind his head, and offers the room a calculatedly unimpressed look, “I'd also be extremely surprised if this is all out of friendly concern over the defiling his _innocence_ and _purity_ or something, so I'll just have to ask. What. Do. You. Want. From. Me.”

 

There’s a prolonged silence, broken only by jōnin-Shiranui, “you’re a sharp one aren’t you?” he comments around his senbon, lip twitching.

 

Shikamaru doesn't miss a beat, “I’m a shinobi of Konoha.” His pointed response serves the dual purpose of deflecting the vaguely patronising compliment and also reminding the room that he's not just some _kid_.

 

Shiranui's lips curl into a smirk, “looks like we should have been wishing Asuma good luck instead of worrying about the chūnin's virtue eh Kakashi?” Kakashi's lip twitches under his mask and Shikamaru can make out a handful of people in the room shaking their heads in disbelief and amused resignation. It's roughly a fifty-fifty split though.

 

Shikamaru's answering smirk likely shows too many teeth to be considered friendly. That's okay though, this is a room full of deadly killers and _scared_ is the _last thing_ Shikamaru is feeling right now.  

 

 

**12.**

It's hard for him to watch the strain on Asuma. He almost wants to yell at everyone who seems to think they need to have a go threatening Asuma with some variation of a shovel-talk or whatnot. 

 

Asuma's good at pretending he's _fine_ and _unconcerned_ but Shikamaru's observed Asuma for a few years now, he can tell when something gets to Asuma more than he lets on. Quite frankly it all makes Shikamaru feel like he’s more trouble than he’s worth too. It's not a particularly enjoyable feeling. 

 

He's never ventured to ask but Shikamaru’s almost certain his father would have held back in spite of his (no doubt) _many_ concerns when he spoke to Asuma. Not out of any particular understanding or approval, but more so in calculated anticipation of the barrage of well-meaning, but ultimately discouraging, clamouring they'd inevitably be met with. His own way of trying to give his son a fighting chance.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

Shikamaru tucks his head in the crook of Asuma's neck and thinks desperately of small mercies and sailing through stormy seas.

 

He wraps his arms around Asuma's middle and tries yet again to hold something together through sheer force of will.

 

 

**13.**

Ino indignantly informs Shikamaru that he should go out and "get a hot rebound." Shikamaru just wants to _sleep_. For a day, a week, the rest of the year, the rest of his life- he doesn't know, but sleeping _right now_ feels like a good start.

 

The rational part of his brain supplies sensible reasoning that this is just the hangover from the breakup and he'll probably feel better after a while but the _right now_ isn't fun.

 

Choji mercifully herds a distressed Ino out of the room, "Shikamaru will do what he needs to in order to get through this, the least you can do is be supportive, _silently_ if that's what he wants, and _yes, Ino_ , the whole neighbourhood probably heard that you're ready to be the 'best damn wingwoman ever', _okay_ , let's give him some peace."

 

Shikamaru throws Choji a grateful smile but it's small and brittle.

 

He hasn't spoken to Asuma in a week.

 

They both laid it all bare in that final argument and there can be no coming back from that Shikamaru realises tiredly.

 

His stare had been blank as he watched Asuma leave.

 

He did not chase him.

 

"After all," he says bitterly to the cream coloured walls, "a Nara knows better than to try fighting a battle they've already lost, don't they?" Especially one with collateral like this at stake.

 

 

**14.**

Materu is baiting him and honestly, Shikamaru may be hurt, a little tipsy, and more vulnerable than he's been in a long time but he's not an _idiot_.

 

"It's truly an honour to be sharing the company of the smartest shinobi of the village," he says huskily as a hand inches its way up Shikamaru's thigh. Choji glances sideways at it and gives Materu a stink eye so full of disdain Shikamaru has to press his lips together to stifle a laugh.

 

"Thank you but I'd have to disagree with you Materu-san, my father is undoubtedly the smartest shinobi in the village, at the very least smarter than I," Shikamaru says instead.

 

"Then you must surely be the smartest _and_ most handsome," he counters without missing a beat.

 

Shikamaru catches the tail end of Ino mimed gag. She hides it behind a glass of something truly _potent_ though. He doesn't blame her, Materu has been at it for the past half-hour and Shikamaru is almost certain now that he's trying to nab himself a promotion he is definitely not in the running for by cosying up with the son of the jōnin-commander who is in the Hokage's inner-circle. Something on an advisory council with links directly to the Hokage most likely. Intra-village cooperation efforts would be Shikamaru's guess, something involving a fancy name and consisting mainly of glorified diplomacy.

 

Normally he would shut him down and make a note to mention this behaviour to a superior he trusts but it's Friday night and Materu had bought him a drink. Plus, Shikamaru wants to humour him and see what Materu is going to try and come up with to convince (or _seduce_ if his desperation is any indication) Shikamaru with.

 

Materu is nattering on about how he's "so admiring of Shikamaru's work and talents," and how he would "be honoured to humbly offer his many skills to work alongside him and to be a trusted _friend_ ," (the emphasis on _friend_ makes Shikamaru want to roll his eyes).

 

In between coyly suggesting Shikamaru check out some of Materu's references (and impressively managing to weave an invitation into his bed alongside that) Shikamaru's gaze flickers momentarily to some noises coming from a table of jōnin by the entrance, Materu catches the slip-up and clocks Asuma sat on the edge of the table. His smile takes on an ugly edge and before Shikamaru can try to avert the incoming crisis Materu is up in his face and sneering lowly but loud enough for anyone sitting close by to hear, "oh I'm _so sorry_ I didn't realise that you only fuck a _select few_ of your direct superiors, _my bad_. I'll have to pass that along for you, _Shikamaru-kun_."

 

Shikamaru is shocked and embarrassed and most importantly Shikamaru wants to _punch_ him, wants to slap the ugly contempt right off his face, but he settles on introducing that contemptuous smile to the table top, _hard._ Before he can properly commit to any further action an arm is dragging him backwards and tumbling onto the ground as Choji picks up the slack. Ino's arm around his front tightens in a warning to let Choji handle this for him.

 

Shikamaru watches Choji continue Materu's introduction to various hard surfaces of the establishment with dark satisfaction curling in the pit of his stomach. Ino is babbling a stream of, "holy shit, holy shit, are you okay Shikamaru? How fucking dare he say that, that piece of shit isn't worth your time, kami are you okay? Are you hurt?"

 

Shikamaru tries to breathe through his nose but he's still shaking with fury.

 

He blinks and Asuma is crouched in front of him and _oh, it's going to be okay now_ , Shikamaru thinks faintly to himself as he focuses on Asuma's dark and stormy eyes.

 

-

 

Later when his breathing has evened out and he's sitting on the curb behind the bar Shikamaru has the opportunity to properly process everything. Ino is sitting pressed into his side and Choji sitting stoically on his other side, Shikamaru realises he is well and truly _fucked._

 

 

**15.**

"This is a bit of a mess isn't it," Ino remarks after Asuma and Shikamaru have stubbornly stammered their way through yet another uncomfortable exchange. It's not posed as a question. They're both watching his quickly retreating back disappear into the busy streets of Konoha.   

 

Shikamaru is only slightly grateful she's not openly calling him a _huge idiot_ along with a healthy dose of _we fucking warned you didn't we?_   Ino probably still feels at least a little bit bad for him, she'll properly lay into him in another few weeks though, Shikamaru can feel it coming. He deserves it. 

 

He took something that was offered earnestly in good-faith before he was ready, with the knowledge he probably wasn't ready, all because he _wanted_. Because he was- is young and the _wanting_ felt like a burn he couldn't endure. It has been selfish and had blown up in his face accordingly. 

 

It was time to start facing the facts and dealing with the fallout. _Just like what he told his mother, right? He was learning this the hard way after all._

 

"I was- _am still_ in-love with him," he leans against a streetlight and his smile is wry, "you can't turn that shit off."

 

A few people walk past them on the street.

 

It's a little too honest, too close to home, but Ino deserves that much for being a good friend. 

 

 

**16.**

Shikamaru frowns when Shizune assigns him to chase down Asuma with an urgent mission scroll, there are countless genins around for this type of, largely, busy work. He's almost certain that he's being tested, though whether it's by his father, the Hokage, or the gods themselves is beyond him. Still, he is an accomplished and professional shinobi, he's not going to back down in the face of a challenge, especially not _this_ one. He nods his assent to Shizune and sets off.

 

Asuma answers the door and his expression runs the full gamut of disgruntled to pleased then defensive and finally settles on polite surprise. It's quite amusing to watch.

 

Shikamaru hands him the scroll and reels off the precise instructions Shizune had given him to relay. Asuma nods as he scans the contents of the scroll, his brow is furrowed and Shikamaru wants to press himself against him and- **_no_**. He does not get to do that or even _think about_ how much he wants to do that.

 

Shikamaru opens his mouth and then closes it. He's unable to articulate the complex mess of thoughts going through his head in an even remotely professional way. He settles on a measured, "be careful."

 

Asuma looks up, surprise clear on his face, he blinks twice, "thank you, I will," he says slowly.

 

It's quiet and still. And  _uncomfortable._

 

Shikamaru entertains the laughable notion that he can hear the sound of the floorboards heaving under the weight of all the awkward tension. It's objectively ridiculous. He says so out loud.

 

There's a pause.

 

They both burst into laughter and for a brief second, it feels dangerously close to _okay_.

 

"Try not to do anything _stupid_ ," Shikamaru suggests barely suppressing his laughter.

 

"Your 'stupid' or my 'stupid'?" Asuma asks jokingly.

 

"Err on the safe side and assume I meant both," he allows dryly. _This is the first time they have smiled, have_ ** _laughed_** _, together in almost two months_.

 

They may not be _okay_ yet, or _properly okay_ ever again, but they'll make it. 

 

 

**17.**

A year after they break up Shikamaru decides he's ready to try again.

 

Not because he has a self-destructive streak, _mother._

 

Not because he wants what he can’t have, _Ino._

 

Not because he's a sucker for unfavourable odds, _Choji_.

 

Not because he wants the department to have to keep coming up with obscure forms to sign, _Hokage-sama._

 

Not because he doesn't know when to walk away, _father._

 

No.

 

He wants to try again because he's _ready_ to.

 

Because he knows himself better and knows how to be in a challenging relationship better, how to give and how to accept things from someone he loves.

 

Because he knows how to wear the vest that no longer feels too stiff and no longer feels like it doesn’t belong to him. It belongs to him now. Belongs to the ninja he _is, was_ , and in time, _will become_. 

 

Because his body and his heart are stronger. His heart is strong enough to confront the possibility that this may end in him having to say goodbye to his first-love again for the last time _and he's not frightened_.

 

Because it's been two years and Shikamaru can tell the sharp pang in his chest every time he sees Asuma may dull with time but isn't ever going to properly go away.

 

Shikamaru wants to try again because it's been two years and Shikamaru has changed _but his feelings have not_.

 

 

**18.**

Their second-first date is a nightmare. It's a nightmare in the most awful and hysterically perfect way. Shikamaru manages to acquire himself a truly impressive case of food poisoning and Asuma nervously drinks his way to a hangover of epic proportions and it's so _tragically bad_ that it's _perfect._

 

They spend the next morning alternating between groaning in pain and laughing until their sides ache and it only exacerbates their respective aches and pains.

 

 _It's perfect_.

 

 

**19.**

The pressure on them had caused them an implosion the first time around and Shikamaru is aware there are people who still whisper ugly, untrue things about him and Asuma. However, there's a noticeable air of _been there done that_ when people talk about them, they're _old news_ and Shikamaru rather prefers it that way.

 

Sometimes he wonders if it would have worked the first time around had it been more like this. He watches Asuma squint at a milk carton in the morning and innocently asks "does the old man needs reading glasses?" Asuma just chuckles and tosses the carton at Shikamaru's head and responds that his "aim seems fine so my eyesight must be as well _brat._ "

 

And it's _easier_ in ways it never was and Shikamaru is so glad they get to try again. They can build something better and _stronger_ atop the ruins of what once was. If this is the cost for what they have now Shikamaru knows that it was worth it. Knows he would choose it again if he had to.

 

He's so happy being _old news_.

 

 

**20.**

Shikamaru settles his head against Asuma’s lap. The repetitive clanging of Asuma sharpening his Kunai provides a surprisingly pleasant background noise to Shikamaru's cloud watching. 

 

Shikamaru knows his expression is one of shameless contentment.

 

He breathes in the lingering scent of sweat, leaves, and dry blood that persistently follow all Shinobi of the leaf. 

 

He breathes in again and hidden underneath is also the scent of the coffee he and Asuka shared this morning, mint from the herb garden they strolled through, and a smoke that he is intimately familiar with which follows Asuma, _and now Shikamaru_ , everywhere.

 

Asuma sets his Kunai down and tugs loose the hairband holding Shikamaru's hair and smiles as he cards his fingers through the dark strands. 

 

Shikamaru closes his eyes and exhales.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's this burning dumpster done and dusted! Please let me know if you enjoyed this (or if there are spelling mistakes which there probably are)! 
> 
> FInd me on tumblr at storm-in-my-teacup and yell at me/ with me/ in my general direction about, as Ino so aptly says, these two "stupid-dumb-men"

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> I'm loosely planning a second and final instalment from Shikamaru's pov but it's all a bit up in the air atm. 
> 
> I love comments and kudos and also people yelling at/with me about how BAD but GOOD this ship is on tumblr >> storm-in-my-teacup


End file.
